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Tuesday, January 27, 2009

The brink...

It's amazing to me how close we all seem to be teetering on the edge of insanity. I don't know about the rest of the world, but I know that there are times when I feel buried and overwhelmed and driven to the brink of craziness by work or girls or family or politics or religion or a number of other things over which I have no control.

Sigh...

Let's consider work. Many of us take this part of life for granted, as if it needs to be here and we need to participate. Taking this one step further, we feel like work takes us for granted, that we are just another cog on the gear, just another robot on the assembly line. Some of us simply accept it for what it is, and others will try to fight through the system, looking at being made from a robot to a robot operator or from a cog to the whole gear, maybe even the whole gear box. When one considers that here, in America, the average CEO makes over 400 times the salary of their average employee, it has the effect of making the robot realize that they are simply that. Robots. Maybe it will be a depressing fact that's accepted and thrown out of the head before the next day's work. Or, maybe, it will make a small percentage of these robots step back and realize that they are more than robots. They're not puppets! They're real boys! And they'll stop playing the game and start living a life more fulfilling and joyous than previously imagined.

I could make equally powerful statements about relationships, family, politics, and many, many other realms of life, but I suppose the moral of the story would almost always be the same. We all have the power and the patience and the will to take a deep look into our own souls, to see what makes us tick and what makes us complacent. Sometimes this is a very long and arduous process. Hell, if it wasn't that way for me, this blog wouldn't exist. Still, it should be necessary for everyone.

Alas, it's amazing how close we all seem to be teetering on the edge of insanity.

Chili for a chilly evening...

I found a new recipe for chili this past weekend, and so I tried it out. It was delicious. I will send the recipe to anyone who asks, but rest assured it was spicy and f@#$ing awesome.

We got a few inches of snow here in Denver. It's cold, but not unbearable. There's more snow in the forecast, but it's all good. I'm warm with chili and friendship. That is the best kind of warm (especially when you have a beer to chase it all down).

Friday, January 23, 2009

Oasis

I often ask people one of my favorite "old person sayings". These are quirky and weird quotations asked by the greatest generation, like "whaddaya know?" or "whaddaya think?" My favorite happens to be, "what's the good word?"

Today, I asked a co-worker that question, and we spoke. We talked about forgiveness in the context of people who we can consider to be abominations to humanity. Is it possible to forgive those who have wronged so many tens, hundreds, thousands, or even millions of lives? Is it possible, even, to forgive God or science for taking those lives so dear to us without any explanation or cause?

The good word of the day was coined by my co-worker to be "Oasis". I pondered this for a while, and looked up the definition of the word. I found "1 : a fertile or green area in an arid region (as a desert) 2 : something that provides refuge, relief, or pleasant contrast". So I'm wrapping my head around the idea that to forgive ultimately leads us to our oasis. We are drawn to a sacred space where we have the capacity within our hearts to forgive and enjoy the fertile grenery of our oasis.

It's been a deep afternoon.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Sunset off the Boulder Turnpike

One thing that continually amazes me about this world of ours is the power the sun has to make a thing as simple as the sky more beautiful than everything else around it.  My friend Dan and I were talking a while back, and he was telling me about how he would point things such as this sunset out to people.

"Look!" he'd say to them.

"At what?" they would ask, confused. "The sky?"

I can relate to his frustration in that this isn't JUST a sky or a sunset, but it's something much more intricate. Whether you chose to understand the complication of light rays being refracted through ice and water crystals in molecules in clouds bending the colors we see, or you choose to believe a more divine painting on this gigantic canvas, a painting by the hand of God Himself... whichever you choose, this is so much more than just the sky. This is an abstract idea. This sunset is to "the sky" as a diamond is to "a rock", as a wedding is to dating, so much more than just trivial words.

Inspiration and beauty are, in fact, in the eyes of the beholder. It's not what you see, but how you decide to see it.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Dinner

I cooked a meal tonight.  One can of Ranch Style Beans. One package Uncle Ben's microwave rice. One can Valley Fresh Chicken Breast. Combine and heat over MSR Pocket Rocket camp stove. Delicious! Throw in some dried pineapples and some V8, and you've got yourself a cheap and easy and healthy dinner that touches on every food group. Yay!

So for some reason, I'm choosing to blog about food instead of President Obama's Inaguration today. Truth be told, I'm amazed that we elected him at all, and really damn proud of this country for taking this step forward together. When he speaks, I want to enlist. It's his talk of sacrifice and work that make me proud of my lifestyle choice, to know that working for a better self will allow me to work for a better country, a better society. He's almost like a fictional character that's larger than life. I feel when he speaks like I do when I hear Captain Sisko speak on Star Trek or like I hear Jesus speak in the Bible.

So yeah... my dinner tonight was extra delicious.

Philosophy in a can (or van)

I lay here, tucked away in a Denver city park, listening to the Valley Highway traffic drown out the flock of geese that just flew over. I just read part of what I understand to be a great, great book about determination and the good things in life. I'm looking forward to reading "Atlas Shrugged" in its entirety. It will undoubtedly keep me company during the cold and lonely nights here in this BattleWagon.

The weather is crisp, but not cold here in the Mile High City. My day was warm, and I heard a rumor that I have a reader on this blog who is a big-time movie guy. Hat's off to him for being the guy who makes the other guys what they are. I admire the gusto of not being so over-absorbed in oneself that one can't appreciate the ideas and projects and doings of other people who are sharing their lives, too.

Monday, January 19, 2009

The Irish Blessing

Lately, I've felt lost. Usually, when I feel lost, I found even the most trivial things to be profound... a scratched street sign, a line from a children's movie, a lyric on a song on a station hardly listen to. A few days ago, a friend told me to look up the Irish Blessing. I found this poem extremely moving, and I thought I would share it.

May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.

May God be with you and bless you:
May you see your children's children.
May you be poor in misfortune,
Rich in blessings.
May you know nothing but happiness
From this day forward.

May the road rise up to meet you
May the wind be always at your back
May the warm rays of sun fall upon your home
And may the hand of a friend always be near.

May green be the grass you walk on,
May blue be the skies above you,
May pure be the joys that surround you,
May true be the hearts that love you.


Truth be told, as I search for whatever inspiration it is I am seeking, I find more and more clues to unravelling the bigger picture. Unfortunately, with every clue I find, I discover the bigger picture is exponentially bigger than I had concieved before. It's funny how that works. The more you know, the less you really know.

Keep on the search. Keep on looking.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

This sign in Denver reminded me of one of my favorite songwriter/authors. Something about it said to me that there is an odd comfort at being at home on the road. As the song goes, "the motel life ain't much a life, and a hotel ain't much a home. But I'm finding out that a house ain't neither." -Richmond Fontaine

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

A night alone.

It's 7:34 on a Wednesday evening and I find myself laying on my floor next to a vanilla scented candle. I didn't think the van smelled particularly bad when I bought it, but on a misguided stroll through the candle aisle at tonight's Walmart of choice, I stumbled accross the almost creamy, yet subtle essence of this vanilla candle.

I picked it up, along with some Clif bars for tomorrow and a box of Zebra Cakes for the evening. It's strange to me that a little bit of sweet, sugary heaven like a Zebra Cake can do so much for one's sense of enlightenment.

I ate my one cake for the night, and now I'm laying on my floor. It's less comfortable physically than my bed, but I do feel more secure here, as if I'm hunkered down. I can hear traffic and people and gusts of wind, but all I can see is shades of lights and the half moon through the crack between my curtains.

I ponder here what I am doing in this van. I feel like my reason for being here is starting to really become my reason for being here. When I moved in here in September, I had planned to stay around the city, keep my life as normal as possible with the exception of my place of residence. Now, after three months, I feel compelled to do more. I don't know exactly what "more" is, but I do know that I am starting to get restless, as if there is a big party going on and I have yet to join in. I feel like I'm standing on the front door but I'm not even knocking.

Friends of mine are having beautiful experiences, all drastically different by nature yet strikingly similar in power and scope. I have friends having children, friends getting married, friends going back to school, friends opening business, and friends discovering new things about their families that they had never known. I even have a friend running for President of the United States.

What am I doing? I'm living in a van! And? Um... living in my van and... occasionally climbing? Occasionally climbing up a small local hill that tops out at 8100 feet? I look at this with a self-diagnosis of WTF?

I lay here, now, at 7:48, and I feel compelled to do a little bit more. It's 2009. 2008 flew by too quickly. If I don't act soon, this new year and many more will fly by, too.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

A cold day in Denver.

On my way to a chuch meeting, I snapped this picture of a dry, winter, state capitol building. It didn't break 30 all day today, which is bitter. It does, however, make the air seem clearer and more picturesque. I suppose it's just proof that there is beauty in all things.

Precious Life

My childhood friend Stephen and his wife Crystal had their second kid, a little boy named Ivan Victor. It's weird to see such precious life being given to beautiful babies. My co-worker had her little Kiara on New Years Day. I'm envious of these gifts, yet I'm still grateful for the gifts and joys I'm still able to celebrate in my own life.

Friday, January 2, 2009

The Ashram

I stayed at the Ashram in Crestone, Colorado, the day after Christmas. The Sangre de Christo mountains were beautifully frosted with snow, and the San Luis Valley was expansive and barren. I learned many things about Hindu as a religion, and participated in a fire ceremony honoring the New Moon and giving thanks for the blessings we've accumulated over the years. It was an amazing experience.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

2009

I'm reminded as I gather here with friends, my family, that love is a stronger bond than any other scientific or religious bond proven or theorized. I'm with friends now, my adopted family. My love is sleeping in the basement. Times are good. The insults and jokes and slander is flying, and life is beautiful. And now I'm a schmuck... number 7. That is all.

My home...

I've only recently figured out how to easily post on my blog with my portabizzle... this is the inside of my house. It's the last day of 2008, quarter after 4 in the afternoon.