Pit Bulls

Before a couple of years ago, if anyone asked me if I was gonna have a Pit Bull, i would have called you crazy. Now, though, my puppy is over two years old, and he's been exemplary. He's smart, he's kind to my kids, protective of my house, and learning from my old shepherd. It's been a wonderful experience. Dogs, it turns out, are like people, in that the biggest assholes were usually taught by even bigger assholes.

The Crater

Today was something like our third time as a family up to The Crater, an old worn out, long dormant volcanic vent of some sort. My three-year-old scrambled the whole way, up and back. He only asked to be carried once, and he didn't whine about going home until we were almost back to the car. Proud of both of them littles.

The Bailing

dont panic they'll be pay

for most of us

it wont matter anyway they fear us

dont worry about the blame

bestowed to us

while we're laughing all the way

they'll clear us

at the seams we're broken

while they fail us another time

they concealed the culprit

as they bailed another out

dont panic they'll be pay

for most of us

it wont matter anyway they fear us

dont worry about the blame

bestowed to us

dont panic they are on to some of us

it wont matter anyway they'll see us

it wont matter anyway they'll hear us

we'll pilfer most

then take an oath

because it doesn't matter

at the seams we're broken

while they fail another time

they concealed the culprit

in the failed and nervous sky

they bailed another out

we wont make it on our own

all the lies I'm told

all the lies I'm told

stealing safely from us all

we'll be fine I'm told

we'll be fine I'm told

Van Life with a Family?

Times are interesting, and there's a lot of creative thought lately going into creative ways of dodging the mortgage/rental bullet. The American Dream is becoming more and more unattainable, and the servant class needs to find a way to even the odds. Housing is critical, but empty houses are being snatched up by the wealthy to use for vacations and parties. Those who need a place to live are more often looking elsewhere. So the theoretical: can you van life with a family? Can you take kids and dogs and find cool places to set up camp and relax... just because? I'm curious to try to find out.

My Mind is a Strange Place

This morning, i was wide awake at 2 am. I stayed in bed until almost 3 before i gave up. I got up, made some coffee, grabbed my headphones, and started plugging away at my budget. I put the clean dishes away. It's now almost 5am. Today doesn't look like a difficult day. My youngest gets to go back to school after a week off. His teachers had a COVID outbreak. Here we are, two and a half years later, and it's not cured or even acknowledged anymore. Now, we just live with it. Humanity is disgusting.

Meanwhile, the tourists keep coming, and everyone in charge wants the money more than the ethical high ground. Life goes on, and keeping the kids in school will probably be the last thing on our minds inside a year or two. More like we need a place to live and the money to afford it.

Motivation

It's hard to find the Oomph to keep going, but you have to try.

Withdrawal From Social Media

A couple of days ago, i removed myself from social media. I deactivated my Facebook account and deleted my Twitter app. It feels very refreshing to be able to focus on my every day life a little bit more. We'll see if I'll be able to keep it down for a while, but I'm giving it the old college try.

The Undiscovered Country

Is that what the future is? The Undiscovered Country? Who knows. It's a strange time. Unplug and keep moving forward.

Overwhelming Adversity

I know a girl who bought a school bus and had all the seats out in a day. One day. The day after she bought it. I'm taking years, literally, years to slowly move through my plans. I could say it's youthful energy that isn't burdened with kids and dogs, but it's me. I'm slow and lazy. Time to change. 

My Best Girl (Lucero)

I'm a sucker for some pretty eyes

But they're going home with some other boy tonight

And i guess I'll be fine

Cuz there's one girl that's all mine

She's seen it before, she'll see it again

Cause that other girl's going home with him

And I've come back to her

She don't mind

She's my best girl, she's got six strings

And she knows all about these heart-breaking things

Though her eyes might not shine, she's

Always by my side

Well, she's all mine, for all night

She's my best girl by far

Well, she's all mine, for all night

And she'll never break my heart

She don't care if i come home late

Or if i don't come home for seven long days

She knows that I'm hers

And she knows to wait

She knows those other girls just won't last

She knows I'll always come on back

To her

She's all that I got

She's my best girl, she's got six strings

And she knows all about these heart-breaking things

Though her eyes might not shine, she's

Always by my side

Well, she's all mine, for all night

She's my best girl by far

Well, she's all mine, for all night

The only girl a boy can trust is his guitar

She's my best girl, she's got six strings

And she knows all about these heart-breaking things

Though her eyes might not shine, she's

Always by my side

Though her eyes might not shine, but

At least she's all mine

The Blue Collar Life

I'm in love with where i am, working on the every day life, laughing with people who are sharing the experience. I'm not rich, and i never will be. I'm excited about it. I'd rather hang with the under-dogs in this fight. 

Home

I'm feeling today, more than i have in a long time, that I'm living in exile.

I was born in Colorado. Denver. The capital city. At the time, my parents lived in a bedroom community in the hills called Conifer. My mom grew up a few miles from there in another little town, but it was too close to Denver for them. They had to get away.

Dad worked for the Post Office, and when i was 6, he transferred from Evergreen to Salida. I graduated high school here and came back after a very brief stint in San Antonio, Texas (Go Air Force!) and not completing two years of college in Alamosa, Colorado. Then Denver for 7 years.

I was in Denver making signs for real estate companies when the market crashed, and i decided to move to Alaska. That's home 

I lived in Ketchikan for four amazing years. I met my wife there. I had a great job, lived on a sailboat. I got to watch sunsets that took hours and leave fires on the beach. I got to camp under tarps and see whales.

Then i gave it up. For my kids.

And now I miss it something fierce.

Vehicle Registration

In an actually relevant-to-this-blog post, the BattleWagon OG has registration again. It's been almost a year since it expired, and it's just been sitting, sadly full of junk and wasting away. So much work to be done, but it can be done. It just needs to be done. What better place than here? What better time than now?

The Busy Bee

My 8-year-old daughter is in third grade this year. Since school started, she has committed to a small role in Shrek, The Musical and playing for the kids roller derby team. I officiated a wedding last weekend, and she knew almost as many people as i did, here in this town where i grew up and spent more than half my life.

I hope she's never afraid of what she's building for herself here.

Star Wars as Religion

It's silly to believe in something that's written by people with no religious or spiritual background as fact. It's sillier when those people write for the purpose of gaining power. Still, it's okay to be silly if nobody gets hurt, yes? Enter Star Wars.

I'm not personally a believer in Star Wars. I do believe in The Force, but i believe The Force is like Qi (Chi), an invisible web of positive or negative energy that flows through everything and holds it all together. That's about all i take from it in practice.

In inspiration, however, there are stories of men and women fighting for noble causes, physically, mentally, morally, ethically, emotionally... battles against themselves, their friends, and their sworn enemies. The line between good and evil is much more clear than in, say, The Bible? It's okay to draw inspiration from these places. Whatever gives you the courage to face another day.

Musical Connection

My head does stupid things sometimes. The blockbuster animated film "Frozen" has a song in the soundtrack that sings about the north wind and what not called "All Is Found". Play it and then immediately play "Wind of Change" by the Scorpions. It's going to jack up your whole week.

Incoherent Ramblings

This blog is currently an accurate representation of my life. No focus. No goal. Just existing. It's a little disappointing, honestly, but then again, my kids are alive and fed, happy, housed, and getting educated. In that context, I'm blessed.

This blog has been a wonderful tool for me to share my experiences living in a van, moving to Alaska, Montana, living in my sailboat, doing all of the fun things that people are afforded the time to do when they are younger. Now, though, children throw the kinks.

At one time, i actually wanted to pack these kids into a van and see how it went. It looks like that may be the de facto plan in 2022 America. I just hope that whatever we get into, it teaches them kindness and humility. Everything else is moot.

The Unending Choring

I'm convinced that, when i die, i will be alone and i will have no possessions to my name. I will have no more accomplishments, save surviving as long as I have. I won't be remembered for doing anything great. Nothing will be named after me. I won't have anything to leave to my kids or grandkids. I will have consumed the empty shell i have carved out for myself, devoid of taste or fulfillment. I hope I'm wrong.

75 Hard? Nah. 63 Realistic? Sure.

I have a few very close friends who have completed the "75 Hard" challenge, where the participant agrees to crush workouts, family time, intellectual time, and other commitments for 75 straight days. Failure to comply once, no matter how far along, results in beginning the project at Day Zero. It's one hell of a feat, and I'm certainly not trying to take anything away from that accomplishment. At all. Two of the guys i know who have completed it are, i would safely say, different men than the guys I met years ago. Then again, so am i, and i haven't completed this challenge myself, but i have had kids and survived three summers as a line cook, so...

That being said, if time or money weren't constraints, i would love to participate in such a program myself. As it is, for funsies, I've made one of my own. Folks, I introduce "63 Realistic".

The Rules:

Every day for 63 days:

1. Pick a diet, stick to it, and make sure it's includes two days of easy comfort food and dessert. One drink here and there won't kill you, but stop smoking. 

2. Read 10 pages of any book you want.

3. Drink 32 oz of water, unless it's hot or you're working out. Then drink until your pee is clear.

4. Take a progress picture and a picture of something meaningful to you.

5. Workout for half an hour, once a day, 5 days a week. If you're like me and trying this out.

If you miss a day or two, pick up where you left off. Don't freak out. You can always add a week or two if you really feel bad. Maybe you'll be the first to break 1000 Realistic. Who knows?

I think I'm going to try it out and see what happens. Tomorrow is a Sunday. That's a good Day 1.

Matrimony

Today, i oversaw my first real wedding. It was simple, and my part was minimal. But it went super well, and everyone was beautiful. I love love.

Pain

My three-year-old broke his big toe today. He dropped a wood-splitting maul thingy on it. Hairline fracture, not compound. He's refusing to take any pain meds. Poor bugger. Sucks to see your little ones in pain, for sure.

Advocacy

Self-advocacy, specifically. People need to learn to be their own best friends. We need to learn to defend ourselves like we would someone we care about. It's okay to tell your boss that what they did was unfair or even bullshit. It's okay to tell your friends that you're hurt. It's okay to tell your parents you're struggling. It's okay to defend yourself. You can do it. Argue for your limitations, and sure enough, they're yours.

The Shuffle

Started my day today thinking about getting rid of the most reliable car we have to get out of payments and to pick up yet another old shitbox that, with a little money and TLC, they can be reliable...

Radical Acceptance

The Serenity Prayer in AA goes something like asking for courage to do the right thing, strength to keep from doing the wrong thing, and wisdom to know the difference between the two. It's a transcendent prayer. It applies to us all.

My COVID Experience is Done

Yesterday morning, which was Day 10, was the first day I popped negative on my COVID Test. I'm so relieved. Nobody else got sick. I still don't feel quite right, but i think it is just the feeling of being a solid week behind my chorin'. Ugh. Time to get moving.

My COVID Experience, Day 8

Today is frustration. No symptoms, but I'm still popping positive and going to work. Nobody else is positive, but here we are. Gonna go see how much of the kitchen staff i can infect, apparently.

My COVID Experience, Day 6

Yesterday was my last day of CDC recommended isolation. My sleep schedule has been adapting and making up for the lacking i felt the previous days. I've made it to the third season of Stranger Things. Other than being tired and still a little achy, I'm not bad. The CDC recommends i wear a mask until Day 10. Let's do this.

My COVID Experience, Day 4

The worst part about this so far has been the lack of consistent sleep. I fall asleep after tossing and not being comfortable. Then i wake up early aching. My nighttime sleep averages about 4-5 hours. However, to yesterday i was able to catch up with a few naps and this morning, i was able to sleep from 3 to about 7 am. I still feel like I'm in a cold fog, and I'm still testing positive as of this morning. But the rest of the family is negative. Lysol on all the doorknobs and light switches daily. Isolation in the bedroom. It's been an adventure.

My COVID Experience, Day 2

Two days ago, Sunday, my only day off, and I'm home doing dad stuff. Mid-afternoon, i notice my nose is starting to run. That's unusual, because it typically only gets runny when i wake up then the morning. Thinking the worst, i took an at-home Covid test. Positive.

The panic of the first day got me an N-95 mask and isolation in the master bedroom. That night, i didn't sleep well. Couldn't get comfortable.

Yesterday, more of that. Tired from not sleeping, and perpetually uncomfortable. The best way I've found to describe it is like having the flu, but without the symptoms. I don't seem feverish, I'm not coughing, and my nose is only occasionally leaking.

Last night, the trend continued. I think I may have actually slept from midnight to about 3am, but not comfortable and rested. This morning (it's almost 9 now), I've been up, i went for a walk around the block, and I've tested the family to ensure that i am the only one with Covid so far. (I am.) Thankfully, I'm vaccinated and boosted, and with any luck, this trend of finding more comfort will continue. I don't have to work again until next Monday, so I'm taking advantage of this down time to catch up on some shows that people won't shut up about. Stranger Things is happening, and The Boys will happen next.

Everything you've heard is true. I believe that without vaccination, it probably would have been worse. I believe that these masks are protecting my children, and that the social distancing is proving effective. We are a very affectionate family, and we are safe.

Neverland

...as in:

Never buying a house.

Never paying off the wife's student loans.

Never moving back home.

Never going to make it through a day without pain.

Never driving a car less than ten years old.

Never going to see my kids enjoy feet of snow.

Never going to see my kids in a peaceful world.

Never.

Unrelinquishing Stagnation

Going nowhere. 

Is There A Plan?

We are breaking into the meat of July. That gives me and the family a little under a year to figure out what our next step is. At this point, it looks like a vehicle and a trailer. A house payment here is almost unfathomable. Rent is a waste. Colorado isn't home. The OG BattleWagon is all but dead, needing too much work to drive consistently, and far too much to depend on it.

2022 sucks.

Family Life

My mother-in-law is visiting from West Virginia, and I'm off from work, making the best of the chill time at home to slay old chores and daily duties. I'm playing my productivity checklist game with myself hoping to break my own personal record today.

My oldest has taken an interest in Civil Air Patrol, and I'm beyond excited for him to take this journey. I hope he loves it, and i hope it motivates him to get some things done. Like maybe cleaning his room...

Formulating Things

It's been a long time since the original mission of the Battlewagon Chronicles, and it's been a long time since that mission has concluded. I've been punctuating things by posting, but there is no fire there at this point, admittedly. It's chaos. Broke and hungry and trying to scramble. 2022 America is difficult. 

Should Star Wars Inspire Rebellion?

Having the chance to watch The Clone Wars and Rebels, I'm thrilled with the portrayal of the various rebel forces against their Empire. So many different types of characters; diplomats, monks, warriors, robots, all fighting for a cause in the best way they know how. It's a fun bit of show, whether you have kids or not.

Life In Adversity

How, when you're living paycheck to paycheck, do you fix up a van, buy a camper, and escape reality? How?

Today's Noteworthy Social Media Response

There's a difference between having beliefs and using those beliefs to oppress an entire swath of people. If your goal is freedom, you have to be Pro-Life within a Pro-Choice society. You can still do everything in your power to protect the unborn lives in a society that allows for women to be saved in a medical emergency, spared the shame of rape and incest, (hide the scandals of an affair by a holder of Government or Church hierarchy)... That's freedom. When you erase those rights, you lose freedoms and condemn women to death, you are responsible for children being born into poverty. You may absolve yourself of guilt by saying "the court did this" or "it's their own fault for not being responsible" or whatever, but at the end of the day, if you're a good Christian, a good scientist, a good human being, and a positive and contributing member of a healthy civilization, you'll do whatever you can to make sure people won't rape people anymore, that kids are guaranteed food and housing and aren't punished for not having enough, that teachers and cooks and nurses and psychologists have all the resources to do what they can for these kids and their parents who are now obligated into a life that could have been spared the misery and suffering otherwise, right? You're going to do more than simply condemning mother's to that life and walking away? You're gonna make sure that the woman walking home from her third shift who got jumped in the alley doesn't have to do back to work the day after her baby is born, and that she doesn't have to leave her kid with some disreputable character while she worked those three jobs, right? The point we are all missing, here on Facebook, locally, nationally, is that this can't be morally correct if it's not erring on the side of love and understanding. If you can't love or understand, if you can't put yourself in that young woman's shoes, you're lacking the core element of either side of any argument and you just kinda suck. It's really that easy. You can't bring yourself to love and respect and understand other people, and you suck. We are all impressed that your God has the biggest dick.

Faith

I've often wondered how people can believe something is true when there's no proof, no evidence, and no tangible backing of an idea that God exists. I know I've never encountered God.

Yet, even I, the skeptic and doubter, believes in the existence of something more than what we are capable of understanding. I don't know what it is, and i loathe myself for rejecting the logic of the scientific process in this matter.

I don't agree with any religion's view or definition of what God is. I have yet to see or hear any solid arguments in favor of the existence of a God. The closest I've come to completely buying it is reading a book about dealing with grief which suggests that God exists but is less powerful than nature. I do agree with this idea.

Long story short, i want to believe something with pomp, circumstance, and togetherness with others who believe the same. I'm continually disappointed by the political structures associated with potentially incredible faiths. Everything from the Westboro Baptists to the Roman Catholic Church to Unitarian Universalism seem to have problems with abuse of power in some capacity, to whether outwardly or inwardly, and a home for simple folk like myself seems to exist only in the custody of the wealthy shepherds tending their flocks.

Regardless of the lack of solid options, i continue, within whatever belief structure I've concocted for myself, to hold out hope that i may eventually find some answers.

Love Everlasting

I was asked recently how long Cat and I have been together and how we make it work so well. I have thoughts, and people aren't going to agree, but here goes: I wasn't looking for a partner. I was focusing on doing what I needed to do for myself do be happy. I met Cat while I was doing those things, which means we had those things in common. I had no expectations. I wasn't planning to marry her or have kids with her. It was enough for me that she was and is still around. That's more than enough. If you are looking for "a partner", whoever you find is going to be a disappointment. If you're looking for somebody, you're not interested in anyone specifically, just a warm body to fill the void. If you go through that rigumroll, then that addage "relationships take work" becomes true. You're fundamentally changing your lives to accommodate each other, which, yes, is really hard. It's also unfair. You're left a shell of who you were, codependent on your partner who you've sacrificed so much for, and vice versa. OR... you could just spend your life focusing on happiness and sharing it with your best friend. I'm lucky I wound up discovering the latter for myself. I don't even know if Cat agrees with any of this, but it's been my philosophy, and two kids, ten years, three states, and maybe a couple of fights later, she's still my best friend, and she's the least stressful thing in my life. I love her as much now as I ever did. Relationships aren't work, people. That's too complex. Relationships are as simple as sharing your joys and sorrows with someone. Stay happy, stay busy, and keep your eyes open and your head up. Chances are, your "soul mate" has already been in your life for a minute.

The Order

In most Amish (Anabaptist) culture, apparently they have a set of rules they follow from youth called "Ein Ordnung", which translates from German to "an order". It's the unwritten code each congregation has to follow unwaveringly. Their commitment to community, shunning technology, living simply, making clothes, growing beards, and having babies, all are memorized and passed down verbally in the Ordnung. No written blueprints.

Oral tradition is an incredibly difficult thing to translate into text, and so many cultures, globally, depend on it. Do your part to listen and retain as much as possible. Even if it's not your culture, you're human, and have an obligation to protect it.

What is grief, if not love persevering?

Today, I've been on a productive tear. I've had my list, and I've been destroying it. I usually try to get into the 70s or 80s on my list game. Today, before work, I'm already at 62. Laundry is folded. Dishes are done. Kids bathroom is clean.

I've been doing it all for a distraction.

The hardships of life have been overwhelming lately. I'm sure it's not just me, but I've been grieving the loss of a comfortable life. But that grief has to be translated into love somehow? Motivation? Energy to persevere?

Or just a distraction.

Little Rick Steves

I picked the oldest up from the last leg of a quick tour of DC and NYC. He did incredibly. I'm so proud.

Things Never Get Easier

They don't get easier, but we do gain wisdom through experience to apply to said things.

Yesterday, we had to put our family Cat down. Bizkit was a stray, and we had her for about the last year of her life. She succumbed to lymphoma on June 1.

This was my kids' first taste of this kind of grief, and that is the greatest gift from all of this. Losing a pet is kind of like getting an immunization against losing a family member. You'll still get the grief, but you have a little experience, you've grown a little. It doesn't get easier, but you get more tools every time.

Productivity

In the past 24 hours, I've fixed my dishwasher, swamp cooler, and dryer. Today, I'm reaping the benefits of that work, and getting caught up on laundry, and using the time saved on dishes to get other things down around the house. I managed to rake up the entire back yard and balance the checkbook, which hasn't been done in three days. Work in progress, I suppose. Just keep moving forward.

Childhood

Today, i went with my daughter and her second grade class on their field trip... to a park. We learned about all sorts of cool things, though. How beavers live, how many fish are not native to Colorado, how to float in the river... it was a good day 

Colorado Spring

This time last week, i was roasting, antsy to hook up and run the swamp cooler. Saturday, we had a foot of snow. Today, it's all rainy and cool. I love Colorado.

State of Local Weather, 06:17, May 21

It's hovering right at 42 degrees, and there's a few inches of snow burying everything in sight. It was 90° days ago? And it'll be 75° again in four days. I'm preparing for flooding. Cross my fingers.

2022 Is For Chumps

I'm sitting awake. The kids are asleep. The checking account is positive. The house is quiet. Time to find another job.

The Universal Language of Music

Spoiler Alert for anyone interested: in the second episode of the Strange New Worlds saga of Star Trek, the crew of the Enterprise finds a comet that actually is an alien religious relic. The key to unlocking it is music.

Yesterday, my three year old was singing Bohemian Rhapsody in the car.

This morning, my oldest two kids were singing along with Alt-J, Sufjan Stevens, and Metallica and getting stoked about Public Enemy.

It's everywhere, and melodies don't need translation. Feel it. Let it in.

Post Starfest Bliss

It was a bittersweet weekend. I got to see so many incredible people, famous and only famous to me. I gave out hugs like candy, and felt a warm reception from everyone. It went out with a bang, and life is calmly and sadly better for having been touched by this nerd clique. Peace and long life, y'all. Live long and prosper.

The Final Starfest Saga

Old Russell T's log, Earth date 2022 05 12. I woke up at 0520 this morning to make sure everything was packed and loaded. I got the kids up and fed, said goodbye to my wife, and hit the pavement at 0710.

The walk to the bus station from my house is about 18 minutes. I snapped a few pictures of the beautiful sunrise on my way.

I boarded the Colorado Bustang and left for Denver, an easy, lazy journey consisting of a three and a half hour regional bus ride to Denver Union Station, and then a few minutes of walking to connect to the light rail train to the Tech Center, which is where i am now. Mellow and uneventful, which is how I like it.

I'm sitting in this beautifully appointed lobby at the Hyatt, the centerpiece of which is a huge, grand staircase to a second level and an immense, twelve story high foyer, complete with an elevator that goes all the way to the top.

Familiar faces are starting to trickle in, although it doesn't really start in earnest until tomorrow night. The mood seems good, although there's a sadness I'm curious to see shake out. This will be, as well know it, the final Starfest. We will see how it goes.

Sigh

Sometimes i wonder if it would be easier to live in 1882 instead of 2022...

Family Financial Realities of 2022

Just a snapshot of what my family processes in an average month:

Net income: $6817.48 (extra paycheck, 5th Friday)

Medical Bills, Donations, Insurance, School Fees: $299.92

Groceries, Toys, Fast Food, Inebriants: $1965.25

Rent & Utilities: $1823.96

Debt Payments: $701.80

Work Related Expenses: $75.99

Transportation: $277.55

Savings: $100.00

When I read this, I see I obviously need to get the grocery expenses down. But it seems like every time i go to Walmart lately, it's $100. Every time. It's getting hard.

I Hate Sick Days

Three nights ago, my youngest took it upon himself to start puking. The puked in the living room, puked in the bed, puked in the toilet and then immediately next to it... it was terrible, but i knew it was only the beginning.

Two nights ago, he seemed to be okay, but then within seconds of each other, my older kids started yakkin', too. Luckily for round two, they are champions and made it in their trash bins.

Yesterday, as a result, i was wrecked. I slept for almost ten hours overall. And yes, after a whole day of rocks in my own stomach, i finally managed my flop-sweaty puke last night. So i guess this is day 4, and I'm up at 0500 getting ready for work. This is the way.

Skinner's End

It's a windy day here in Salida. Spring is setting up summer. It's as if the mountains themselves are waking up from hibernation, shedding off their winter coats and breathing out those big, cold gusts of air from their rousing lungs. It's a nice breeze, but it's just enough to keep your hoodie on. The sun is shining, though, and those waking mountains are beautiful.

Tired

I'm always tired lately. Kids and work, inflation and all the rough stuff. I hate it. It's exhausting. Oh well. Keep on trucking.

Hope

The older I get, the less often i feel optimistic about the future. I don't want to be, but it's hard to stay up in an ocean of down. Don't lose hope. We are all in this together.

The Easter Post

I'm not a Christian. I'm not devout. I choose the term Universalist to describe what i believe because it's the closest word, but politically, it's tied to an organization that, like every other such society, privaledges title to those who can afford it.

My knowledge of the history of Easter is probably elementary at best. I know it's the culmination of the Holy Week, tied to Passover (called Pascha in other parts of the world). I know it's the celebration of the resurrection of Jesus. I know it's the end of Lent. I know it's celebrated after the first full moon after the spring equinox in accordance with many pagan traditions.

What i don't know is how I'm supposed to feel. I'm a skeptic by nature, but my skepticism is most evident during holy times of year, when i find all of the flaws i can. Questions flood my head every single holiday. Did Jesus really experience apotheosis? Was his body simply taken from his tomb? Maybe by activists? Or animals? If he died for our sins, why did he get rewarded only three days later? Is that a true sacrifice? Is the divinity of Jesus really the most important part of the story? Was any of it real at all? When i ask God, how come he doesn't answer? Do both not possess the necessary privaledge required to communicate with a dirty?

I type all of this as i watch Pope Francis reside over Mass in Vatican City. I'm watching thousands of people at this very moment who have the answers to these questions, and I'm envious. I'm not jealous, because my brain tells me that they can't possibly be honest with themselves. Yet the desire remains, in my soul, strong enough to allow the idea that maybe, just maybe, it's possible to find a truth without questions? A peaceful truth? With no conflict? A version of spiritual history that doesn't emphasize the semantics, only the point?

I don't know what these answers are, and i don't know if I'll ever find them. The silver lining, however, is that listening to the good words, sharing the good messages, doing the good work, those things can be done regardless of faith. An atheist can choose to help society, to help other people, to spread love. That's the only doctrine that has validity, seeping into every spiritual guide-book in history. Do unto others...

With any holiday, political, spiritual, personal, we have the opportunity to recognize it in the context of what it means to others. We have a chance to spread love. Don't let this Easter be an exception.

Screenshot of my own Social Media Outbursts

I posted (and deleted) this before my first cup of coffee. I need to learn to keep my mouth shut sometimes, and gauge my answers better.

Respect Politics

Wikipedia says that a political party is "A political party is an organization that coordinates candidates to compete in a particular country's elections. It is common for the members of a party to hold similar ideas about politics, and parties may promote specific ideological or policy goals."

Here in the United States, i understand that's the theory. I understand that it's about freedom of choice, that, in theory, we are supposed to be able to find a group of like-minded people who can get together, find one among them who has charisma and integrity, and thus, make their republic representative of their ideals. In theory.

The reality here is less optimistic. There are two major options because, let's face it, the options beyond that don't seem to matter. Don't get me wrong, to I've voted third party for most of my adult life. I believe it's important to vote YOUR conscience, and not settle for a platform you inherently disagree with to any degree. With only two options, those in power stay in power and those without wind up without even more.

I'm proposing a political party that has no platform. The only requirement in this proposal would be the ability to conduct ones self like an adult, to bring forth your goals and concerns, and to be able to find ways to accomplish these goals without blame, gaslighting, denial, or anything outside of constructive debate. I'm proposing a party of real American citizens, people who live real lives, who work and pay bills, who have kids, and who aren't on the boards of the companies they claim not to represent exclusively.

I know that in 2022, after Covid, Trump, Obama, the wars, the race revolution, the recession...  that after the past two and a half decades of trauma we have seen in America, we are going to have a hard time trusting each other. We are angry. Scared. Beat up. Hungry. We've all but forgotten the ideals that united us, that made us realize that we could overcome TOGETHER. They're trying to take it from us, that friendship, that trust, that pride in our country and what we've made it. We've shifted our focus on what we've done right to what we've done wrong, but we got stuck there, unable to fix it.

We can fix it. We must. And we are only going to do it together. With respect.

The Domestic Life

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about the divergence of my past adult life and my current adult life. I've been thinking about having my kids and settling into having a house to live in and staying in one place for the duration of the kids school.

Coming on the heels of living in a van, moving to Alaska, and living in a sailboat, it's been an adjustment to say the least. I'm sitting here in a house with heat and plumbing, chirping on this blog while my youngest watches Little Einsteins. It's cushy. I am not a huge fan, but i need to figure out how to get back without destroying the facing. It's a hard balance.

How to Capitalism

I've been told since I was little that my work ethic would get me everywhere I need to go. Now that I'm a grown ass man and both reaped the benefits and suffered the consequences of having and neglecting my work ethic, I feel it's appropriate to address a few things.

We are coming out of one of the greatest pandemics the modern world has known, and one of the consequences, at least here in the United States, is the Great Recession. The older generations think that all these people quitting their job have no work ethic, while the people quitting believe their work ethics aren't being adequately compensated.

Working in a restaurant during this time has really opened my eyes to things. It's helped me to understand that most restaurant patrons know nothing about how things work, from what it takes to make hundreds of meals in an hour to how to attempt proper dinner manners in public. It's given me sympathy for other services, like teaching and nursing for example, who are in similar situations, barely making enough money to scrape by while simultaneously being trusted with the very lives of the people using their services, often accompanied with criticism over gratitude.

The common flaw in most of these situations is higher management, like the hospital CEO making seven figures and golfing while the doctors are buried in student loan debt and nurses are working crazy hours and dealing with hostile patients and their families who will likely be set back months financially for whatever is going on just for being there. Same goes for the superintendents of schools or the CEO of a fast food chain or a big box grocer.

Money doesn't corrupt everyone, and there are individuals who are swinging their particular hammers at what they deem appropriate. Some billionaires are building revolutionary new technologies, others are helping give groundbreaking access to vaccinations. But everyday people are drifting away from empathy, seeking the prize of monetary consumption, and not understanding that overconsumption is usually deemed a disease.

Be mindful when you are spending your money, not only where you're spending it but how. 

The Grind

Today, I worked the post-double morning shift. It was rough. I'm tired. But it's okay, because it's money, and we need that.

The Power of the Checklist

I keep a detailed and thorough to-do list. I use Google Keep for the maximum level of organization. I used to keep my list in a little flip note-pad that i kept in my backpack. Since I've switched, I've been able to digitize my system and enhance it, track it, and record it. This past Friday, i checked one hundred and twenty four things off my list. I think that's a personal best, but i haven't put it in the chart yet. We'll see what the future holds. I'm up to 72 so far today...

Music Everywhere

I can't imagine any chapter of my life without a soundtrack.

Productivity In Spite of the World

Today, i focused on my home. I went down my chore list. I got a ton of stuff done, and I'm still ramping through. I even took a break to have a McDonald's picnic with my kiddos. Every day is an adventure.

The Impact of Small Things

Back in the late 1960s, Star Trek was a fledging science fiction show featuring a diverse cast and portraying an optimistic view of the future.

One of those cast members, Nichelle Nichols, who played Lt. Nyoto Uhura, wanted to quit the show, saying her character, a black woman in a short skirt, was little more than eye candy on the mostly white, male command center. Her communications officer position was rarely part of the action.

Before quitting, legend has it that civil rights icon Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. himself called Nichelle Nichols on the telephone, spoke to her of the importance of her role, for little black girls all over the world to see a future where they're part of the command crew, too. He implored her to stay with her role.

Fast forward almost sixty years. Another civil rights icon, Stacey Abrams, was featured in the latest Star Trek Iteration: Discovery. Miss Abrams herself played a character, and not just a background bridge officer. Stacey Abrams played the President of Earth.

We've come a long way.

The Rise of Freckle Face

Today i sit here at the Chaffee County Fairgrounds in a big, empty concrete floor gymnasium. The occasion is roller derby practice. The competitor whose corner I'm representing is for Freckle Face. She's a fierce second grader who likes mini golf and LOL Surprise dolls. She's loud, opinionated, and is small enough to sneak in between your lame jammers. 

Dogs in the Sun

As long as I can remember, I've been around big dogs. For some reason, coincidentally, most of them have been big, black dogs. My parents had black lab/retriever mixes, and we have a mutt shepherd and a pit bull, all black. One thing they all had in common, and other dogs that i can recall, is they all love laying on the floor by a window where the sun is shining in. That's their favorite. I admire the simplicity...

Who Knows

I'm trying to post more regularly in hopes that my mindless rambling may form some sort of discernable pattern. I have yet to come to any such determination. I can read the news and see that I'm not alone, however, and that provides me some slight comfort.

Prepping Progress

I had the day off today, so i took the time to go through my camping trailer and organize the hell out of it. I secured everything large, stowed fuel and cooking gear, and organized what sleeping geari could find. In a pinch, we will require minimal packing. I'm hoping to optimize that in the coming days/weeks.

Reassessing "Duty"

There's a lot of crazy things going on in the world right now, and lots of it, globally, nationally, locally, personally... it has me thinking about what my job is now.

I'm a cook, a father, and a house-husband, but I'm also a citizen, a neighbor, and part of a community. Whether i enjoy those things or not is moot. I am in these situations by consequence of my own actions and inactions. Now I have a commitment to honor those in my way, and i need to figure out what that means. All of this in the context of another potential shift in lifestyle with a looming third global war (thanks for the warmup Covid).

So what is the best course of action? Talk to neighbors? Participate in local government? Jon a political party? Protest with the kids? Enlist? Volunteer? Object? It's a crazy time to be alive, but whatever happens, don't forget where you came from and how you got where you are.

State of the Homestead

These are unprecedented times.  We're still on the tail end of the Covid pandemic, two straight years of a contagious and dangerous virus and the political shock waves that accompanied everything about it from wearing masks to getting vaccines to gathering in public.

Now there's a European war, and we are wondering what's going to happen here in the United States.  My friends in Alaska, relatively close to the aggressor, Russia, aren't too concerned yet, but likely will be if things escalate.  That being said, Alaskans are tough, and would likely be the second to say "go fuck yourself".  Here in our little Coloradan hamlet, 100 miles from one of the US military's most strategically important command centers, we are simply hoping for a nice, constant, easterly breeze if things go wonky.

The preparations are, however, commencing.  All of our camping and survival gear has gone into our little trailer.  Income tax returns will help fund the maintenance needed for the vehicles.  The question has been raised on whether or not arming up is the best idea.  We aren't there yet, but I have to admit, I have shopped around for a pump-action 12-gauge.  But as much as I do respect being prepared, my first choice would be to avoid making these BattleWagon Chronicles about actual Battle.  I would rather take my family and go to places I know will be off the radar, places where we can live off the land in peace and safety, learning and using skills to accomplish this as a family, as a team.

I don't know what's going to happen in the coming days, weeks, or months.  But I do know that we can explore the world, see the mountains, the deserts, the oceans, the plains, on our time, regardless of whatever the rest of the world sees fit to get itself into.  That is freedom.

Ukraine

I don't know what the future is going to look like, but if it resembles the past at all, I'm not excited.

Snow

It seems we've had more all of the snow since 2022 began. Before the new year, we were dry as a bone. This morning, i woke up to over half a foot of snow since then. It was -1° and windy. I missed Colorado. I'm glad it came back for a minute.

Prophesy in Cheesy 1960s Science Fiction

Star Trek has always been based upon the idea that someday, in the future, humanity will cease to struggle with disease and poverty, transcending the hardships, and moving forward, into space, together.

However, there was a cost to achieve that fictional awesomeness: we had to suffer a third global war, a war that destroyed almost every major city on earth and left hundreds of millions of people dead. It was after that fictional catastrophe that a scientist built a faster-than-light prototype ship on an inter-continental ballistic missile in Montana.

I'm not saying i believe that's going to happen, but i remember that I've never felt so united my friends and neighbors as immediately after a tragedy of a certain magnitude.

I hope that's not what it's gonna take. I hope that's not what's gonna happen.

But hope isn't nearly as tangible as it used to be. 

Public Service Announcement

Pitbulls are scary...

Sick Days

I am thankful for their existence, but i hate taking sick days. I hate being incapacitated, not being able to work. I love sleeping, but i loathe when it's because I'm sick.

Ups and Downs

Lately I've been working hard to stay on track, to go down my checklist of things to do. It's an endless supply of errands, paperwork, planning, and chaos unfulfilled due to lack of funds or time. Still, it's motivating as hell to check that stuff off and build some momentum getting through an evening. It's closer to ten than nine at night. I'm still going. Let's do this.

The Super Bowl

Watching the Super Bowl today with my family. The Los Angeles Rams are hosting the Cincinnati Bengals. The second half just started, and it's a close game. The Bengals are starting to run away with it.

It's an exciting one, and I'm so very thankful that it's not Tom Brady or the New England Patriots. So very thankful.

Pets

This type of companionship cannot be bought or won from another human. Loyalty by a dog is unrivalled, and the calming purrs of the cat are less intrusive than sleeping pills. Surround yourself by those who can't think enough to betray you.

Fleshing Out the First Phase

I just looked at my budget, and took the numbers from last month into my graph. Costs have been going up, but income hasn't. The plan must start now. The first goal is to buy or build a storage shed large enough to hold all of our stuff. We gotta get ready to leave. 

The Coming Storm

Maybe we've been saying it with every generation, that the end is near and all that stuff. I personally don't believe the end is... ever. But i do believe that our society, as it exists on Earth, has the technology to expose the ugliness that is humanity. We can see it now, instantly, from the other side of the globe. We can see racism and sexism and torture and failed military operations and all of the ugly consequences of all that. We can see our political leaders bumble around justifying their corporate-friendly lawmaking. We see it all. We are all disgusted.

That's the first step.

The second step is the action that follows the disgust. Our Black neighbors have been on this for years now. Simply arguing that Black lives... matter, they are on the front. Power has been bringing the disgust to their front door since any of us can remember. They have every right to be mad. We should all be just as mad. And we are getting there. The disgust is coming.

Then...

... what happens once it's decided in our heads that we've had enough disgust? Are you going to fight back? Are you going to talk? Are you going to run? Hide? Or are you just going to tune it out? I challenge you to ponder what this country means to you, and what you think it needs to be. Then look around you, and see what is keeping that from happening. 

How Soon Is Now?

I'm, in fact, the son and the heir of a shyness that is criminally vulgar.

That being said, i struggle with empty promises. Now. Soon. Coming. With any luck. Hopefully. All empty phrases. We, the workforce, are hurting. We are hemorrhaging. 

How

How does a family bringing in almost $100k annually wind up still living paycheck to paycheck?

The Real Question

How does one transform themselves from Joe Dirt into Rick Steves while successfully raising a family and maintaining financial solvency?

The Grind is Grinding

I'm taking a break, having a smoke in the alley behind the restaurant where i make pizza for tourists. The prices of everything around me are going up, and the offers for starting wages are everywhere, too. But not enough to provide a living, and not enough to sink an employer. The dichotomy is palpable.

Inspiration From Modern Westerns

I've been getting into an old western drama about a family moving to Oregon from Texas in 1883. It's horrific and beautiful, wild and graceful, brilliant and simple.

I've often revised a fantasy of mine to emulate that lifestyle. While I'm not looking to get a ten gallon hat and work as a ranch hand, i do admire the idea of a relationship with nature, with local people, and with survival in relative comfort while still acknowledging difficulty.

Maybe someday I'll build my own cabin. Maybe someday I'll have animals or a farm. These are noble pursuits, and i will seek them out.

Plans

I feel like calling them Plans instead of Goals or Dreams makes them a little more tangible? I don't know if that's the case, but this weekend is for planning, and we have much to plan for. The current housing situation is the most important thing to address. We are currently paying half to two thirds of our income on rent. It's unacceptable, but i don't fault my landlord. He's been incredible through Covid and everything else, and I'm thankful for having shelter and heat and running water, for sure. But that's a lot of money, and i don't feel well sentencing myself or my family to a life of servitude like that.