Admitting and Grieving the Partial Loss of Christmas

As we wrap up the year, I'm finding myself in the frustrated aftermath of Christmas and what it has become, in my family and in the outside world. My kids have emulated the outside world, thinking only of the things they have received, not working to understand the reason for the holiday season, historically, politically, or in any capacity outside their sphere of consumer bullshit. I seek to put an end to it in the new year.

Christmas Day in the Morning...

Thirty nine years on this earth, and it still feels like magic. I hope you all have something that makes you feel this way in your world! Love abounds!

Transportation Plans

My plan for vehicles is a translation of various shuttle craft from Star Trek. I have a little pod, and that's my Tercel. I have my Runabout, that's the Battlewagon. I have my Maquis fighter, and that's my Pathfinder. That's the plan for now. More to come with luck.

Family, Work, and The Great Balance

Let me just start with acknowledging that I'm a piece of shit. This may be crass if you're reading, but hold on. It gets explained.

This weekend, i got to watch a wonderful documentary film about a Nepali climber who, not only completed climbing the 16 highest peaks in the world, but did it in six months and six days. Project Possible.

Next year, I'll be forty. I've done a lot in my 40 years. I lived in Alaska. I've climbed rocks in Utah. I've watched a sunrise in Maine and a sunset in Washington. I've snowboarded, rock climbed, and rafted in the same day. I've had kids, and we all survived the pandemic.

But it's time. Time to start talking to strangers. Time to start trying new foods. Time to stop leaning on the crutches I've brought with me. Time to put one for in front of the other and keep going.

Life isn't short, and it's okay to be worthless. Just be worthless by showing every ounce of love you've got.

Pre-Teen Pains In The Ass

I love my kids. I love all of them. I love all kids. But man, the older they get, the more they piss me off. I say that, mostly joking. But trying to motivate them to do anything is difficult, and my coping skills are on either the ridiculous or the motivated sides of the spectrum. It's hard for me to go in the middle and meet them. 

Mechanic Anxiety

One of my side projects involves a 1985 Toyota Tercel 4wd. It's one of the most impressive cars I've ever driven. It's simple, rugged, utilitarian, and economical... And it's a BEAST in the snow. It will not be stopped by a mere foot or two.

It's an incredible machine, and that's what terrifies me. I'm a pretty engineer-minded person. I enjoy fixing things that are broken, organizing things, making things simple. I have to replace the water pump on this car, and I'm nearly paralyzed with fear that I'm going to screw something up and cost myself a ton of money and time. But it's getting cold, and the mechanic is busy, so i have to do this myself. Terrifying. 

Old UU Friends

Lately, I've been challenging myself to focus on what I'm unhappy about and what I can change. I'm struggling lately in some ways, reaching an age where I'm having to reassess the way my interaction with the world is. It's difficult, at times, to see how far away from kindness we've all fallen. I'm only asking for the strength to keep going in spite of it all.

Star Wars Saturday

Today, we started a thing. Today, we began watching The Phantom Menace. I don't know if we are just watching the Saga movies, all the movies, or if we are even going to dabble in the shows at all. But either way, here we go, down this rabbit hole to a place a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...

The Great Resignation

Today, we are almost two years deep into the Covid-19 pandemic. We've had variants of the virus crop up. ERs are full everywhere. The Omicron variant is coming. And people are assholes to each other. It's a stupid time to be alive.

The Holiday Crush

Every year, it's a similar feeling: you work to save as much as you can, so you can spend as much as you can on toys and things that people will forget about. It's difficult to find gifts that are meaningful and useful, and the message of the holiday is all but lost. 

The Holiday Bullshit

Today is the start of Christmas, i guess. The holidays are in full force. My stomach still hurts as I'm cramming it full of leftovers at every available opportunity. It's going to be hard to keep myself motivated through all this bullshit this year. I'm scared of the burden.  Financially incarcerated in the lower class caste. Go capitalist Christmas.

Inspiration From Martial Arts

I wouldn't pretend to say I'm anything resembling a martial artist. I went to an MMA gym long enough to buy the gear and get my ass kicked, learn a few basics, but it never crossed my mind to make it a lifestyle choice.

It impresses me to see people who have trained for years and years perform their artistry in this field, whether in graded or real combat or choreographed film, it's incredible. The discipline. The motivation. The commitment.

While i know that'll never be me, i am inspired by these people, by the stories they tell, the roles they play. It's incredible to see.

The Common Cold

Or is it? I've been sniffling for what is now the third day. Coughing up a storm since Thursday. The past two nights have not been great sleep on account of the back pain and inability to breathe easy.

Thus, today, in accordance with the realities of our time, i am going to have to go find a place to get a Covid test. While I'm at it, i should probably schedule myself a booster.

Sigh. 2021.

Family

Damn, these little humans (and the dog) make me crazy, but the emptiness without them would be beyond compare.

Religion as Choose Your Own Adventure

I wasn't raised in a church. Sunday was that one day my parents had off together for years, and instead of church, my mom usually made a big breakfast and then we would go outside. My parents would take the dogs and load up my dad's old cars, a Jeep Wagoneer, a Land Rover series 2 88", a series 2 109", an Volkswagen camper bus, a brown Chevy Beauville van... We would pack up and go somewhere. It was usually near town, and it usually involved some kind of hike. It also usually never involved another soul.

This was the path my parents chose, their way of communing with a higher power on the day reserved for it. The higher power wasn't God, it was Nature, the arguably more powerful of the two in the relationship. But, we learned to be humble in Her presence, regardless.

I don't do that with my kids as often as I'd like, but times are different, money is less expendable, and my vehicles aren't nearly as cool. Still, my kids learn about space, and they explore town. They are learning humility their way, which is important.

The point is that we can build these things into incredible gifts, tool boxes for people to grab coping skills from. We can build these ourselves. There are many templates, but God/Nature/The Universe is universal. Build yours. 

Staying Focused, Staying the Course

I'm shy of 40 by not too far.  I'm sure people can relate to this age.  This is the age where people start to ponder whether or not they did enough to have fun earlier in life.  This is when we reconcile to the fact that we're probably going to be working for the next 40 years.  This is when we start making plans to die with grace, hopefully squeezing out some time off between that and when we're done working.  This is when we're done making babies and in the thick of raising kids.  This is when we fondly remember the times we had with friends, lots of them, often, in the context of now when our best friends are our co-workers because we don't have time to go anywhere else.

To me, this is when I look at the ugly, old, beat up, OG BattleWagon parked across the street, and I see myself in it.  Its paint is faded, chipped, and under that, the body is starting to rust.  The turn signals don't work.  The radio doesn't work.  The dog house isn't connected.  The door latch knobs are sketchy at best.  The exhaust system is shot.  The front end needs to be rebuilt.  The gas gauge hasn't worked in 20 years.  The headliner is stapled up with a sheet over it.  The rear heat and AC don't work.  The windshield is bisected horizontally by a crack.  The dashboard vinyl is in about a thousand pieces.  The front tires are almost bald and don't match the back tires.

But... it starts every time I turn the key, and it gets me where I need to go.

I do that, too.

That's empowering.

I do get up and go.  Maybe it's time to get into a BattleWagon with the family.  Maybe it's time to explore, and travel, and do the fun stuff that I miss, and SHOW my kids, instead of just telling them about the wonders of the world.  It's a huge, incredible place.  We're missing it.  Everyone is scared, and maybe we should be.  But that shouldn't keep us from being humans, showing love, kindness, curiousity, and nobility that we've inherited from our ancestors, either through grace or sin.

Stay focused.  Stay the course.

"I have fought the good fight, I have finished the course, I have kept the faith."

Childhood Comfort Food

I'll go ahead and call my mother out on this one, but one of the best flavors from my childhood is this: Kraft macaroni & cheese dinner, with a bit of black pepper. This was on the table when I was my kids' age, and now they're whipping it up for themselves. It's easy at the camp site, and it's great as a side for everything from burgers to fried chicken. Can't go wrong.

Sick Kid are the Scariest

I've done a lot of crazy shit in my life. I've climbed rocks, gone snowboarding, whitewater rafting, canoeing on the ocean, living in my van, halibut fishing, etc. Some of it has scared the hell out of me, but I'm realizing that having a sick kid is some of next level not-fun terror. 

The Best Picture Ever

The other night, while patronizing the company retreat for our restaurant, around 3am, my brother fell down. While he was scuffed up pretty well, he had great spirits, inspiringly upbeat, in fact. But not letting it go completely, I enjoyed myself, too. 

Lunch

This is a McGovern. It's a French roll with fried spam, marshmallow fluff, and Cheetos, all toasted in a panini press. It's awesome. 

Comfort Fruit

Say what you will about fruit, but when your toddler is fussing about a nap and the only thing that will keep him quiet at all is a Granny Smith apple, well, you give that boy an apple and hope for the best. 

Family Supper Time

When 5/6 of your babies are waiting patiently for dinner in their way, you grab a shot of it.

Friendship

The other day, we were invited over to a friend's house for dinner and Chinese Checkers. We had a full game. Traffic ensured. Joy followed. And the food was delicious. Duck. Pan-fried noodles. Spring rolls. Sigh. O could die happy 

Cosplay Advocacy

My oldest got this awesome hoodie in the mail today. He looks pretty rad, I'll admit. Rock your cosplay, everyone. Let your nerd go free, and you'll never regret it.

Town Parks

I love visiting parks in little towns. This particular view comes from Riverside Park in my hometown of Salida. This will date me, but i remember when the river was just a natural river without a cool calm section and a play hole. The sidewalk wasn't there, but there was a short, concrete wall. There is a stage there now, but it used to be a simple, elevated seating platform above the river. That was one of my first memories of this town, pre-resort era of course. A park says a lot about it's town. 

Confronting the Ghosts of the Treasure State

This past weekend, my wife and I drove up to Bozeman, Montana to see some friends get married. They came to our wedding, so we had an honor debt to pay. It was bittersweet being back there, the place where we had one of the hardest years as a family. The city itself has grown foreign, and that's okay. It's still pretty, but it's still rich and inaccessible to the average person. Regardless, we had a lovely, intimate time with our friends, and we got to revisit our stomping grounds. It affirmed our love for each other and what we've been able to overcome. 

"I'm a soft touch." -William Adama

We always take in the strays. This is an alley cat from behind the restaurant where I work. A coworker of mine took her to the vet, and then quarantined her. I'm up now. Giving a home to the homeless. If you can't do something smart, do something right. 

The Lack of Healthcare

As I come off the second day of lack of sleep due to an infected broken tooth, i am angry at the lack of consistent healthcare for many people who don't have the ability to reach out and get stuff like this fixed. I have to wait at least 8 days for my appointment at the dentist, and I have an appointment at the family doctor tomorrow to figure out some antibiotics and pain meds. Ugh.

Coming Full Circle

This past weekend, my brother and I took my kids to Newell, South Dakota. We made the pilgrimage almost 13 years to the day that we did the identical journey there to bury my cousin. This time, we buried his dad, my uncle. Seeing the impact of their lives in this tiny town was incredible. My cousin's death was the impotus behind me starting this blog and moving to Alaska, doing all of the crazy shit today. With my uncle's passing, I feel similarly motivated, but differently, as if reminded that time is short. It's a strange realization that days are likely closer to the end than they are the beginning. Time to move. 

Taking In Strays

We've always in the business of taking in strays. Most of my best friends have been strays: odd people, nerds, socially awkward, mentally ill, not white, not straight, not kind, not stupid. These people have enriched my life in unparalleled ways. It extends to animals, too. My dog is a tri-pod that was looking for a home for months. All that being said, enter Stale Bizkit. She was coming around the restaurant where I work, and we took turns taking her in for various appointments and what not. She landed at my house. She's super sweet, too. Great purr!

Chorin'

As I write this, the dishwasher is drying the second load of dishes today, the washer is working on it's first load, I've taken stuff out to the shed, and walked over to the 'Rents homestead to pick up the OG BW. Ember and Noodle came with me. I tried to wear him out, but Noodle is just too much of a damn puppy. 

Fitness, or Lack Thereof

Being a modern dad is super challenging. Physical fitness is one of the jokes that we like to tell ourselves about. It's a joke because a good dad never has the time. I'm writing this blog at 5 am, for example. Maybe I'll get some time to workout, which will likely include a short walk, a short run, some pushups, some situps, and a bunch of stretching. Lots of stretching. Stretch the hips, the back, the neck. All this to do the kid stuff before and after work. Every. Single. Day. Dad's don't have dad-bods because they are lazy. They're a product of working too many hours, eating unhealthy food on the fly, and still wanting to be snuggly. 

The Dad Grind

If there's anything I'm learning to hate, it's repeating myself. Go brush your teeth. Go brush your teeth. That's cool, brush your teeth. Neat. Brush your teeth.

This is the way of things. Every day. Every night. It's... painful.

Looking For Creative Solutions

My current big-picture deliemma is trying to figure out how to motivate and intrigrate the kids into the kind of outdoor lifestyle I've been looking to get back to. Asking them to live in a van is bullshit, and I understand that. But camping regularly in a kick ass van may be fun. But the age-old question of juggling time and money comes into play. How do we balance it out? Well, for me, it's trial by fire. Let's go.

Methodist Mountain

The other day, I took the family up Chaffee County Road/U.S.F.S. Road 108 up into what's locally called "The Boot" on Methodist Mountain. We opted for the BattlePatrol, my designation for the 2006 Nissan Do-Everything Pathfinder. Patrol is an homage to the Nissan Patrols of Australia and yesteryear, a real Toyota Land Cruiser fighter. At any rate, the whole area burned a new years ago in the Decker Fire, and thus had been the first time any of us had been up there since it burned. I was so happy to see all of the vegitation up there. Plants and bushes waste high. It was incredible.

The General Malaise

As a father, trying to kick this project open again has been very emotionally difficult. Forcing myself to commit to taking a few minutes with an update seems exponentially more difficult after caring for three kids. The freedom is still here, but it's to be earned these days. After a long day of running to the grocery store, the butcher shop, the comic book store, and the grocery store again, and picking up my daughter from club...

I did manage to squeeze in a nap today in between errands and chores. All in all, it wasn't terrible.

State of the Union

Yesterday, I woke up to news of our hasty exit from Kabul. Life changing videos and images came pouring over my news feed. I can't even begin to fathom or comprehend... anything in regards to that.

This country fucked up. Plain and simple. Just like Vietnam. Just like Iraq. Why don't we learn? Frustrating is such a benign word to use. Just a thought for the evening. Hold your loved ones close. It's crazy out there.

"Signs of Life" Tuesday, August 10, 2021

A long overdue status update is coming!

I'm inside today trying to escape the smoky haze from the ever-present wildfires around the west.

The BattleWagon is parked at my parents house acting as a storage unit at the moment. They are remodelling bathrooms by themselves, which is super inspirational. Retirement projects for me likely won't be nearly as ambitious.

The BattleCart, a 1985 Toyota Tercel 4wd SR5 Wagon, is my daily commuter. It only takes me downtown and back, which is maybe a mile or two round trip. It's been rock solid, though.

I've been slowly accumulating tools since the Great Loss of pre-Covid nonsense. The Matriarch has obtained a Master's Degree in psychology of some sort. She's incredible, now working for a group who's mission is to help people in unsafe relationships. My oldest starts 6th grade here this year. He's stoked, and we are stoked to have him. My daughter is in 2nd grade starting Monday, and as ornery as ever. My youngest is 2, going to full day headstart this school year.

My brother's around this resort town we can barely yet luckily afford to live in. He and I work at the same incredibly awesome pizza restaurant and micro brewpub, an eclectic establishment that has a fine crew and good soul.

That job will possibly breed some more side projects for this blog, which will I hope will be my public journal. In the meantime, I would invite you to join in my Tumblr, "The Chronicles of an Average Dad", where I will be posting content that falls into that bullshit. (If you're a dad, you know that I say bullshit with love, but also, it's still, usually, bullshit.) If you're on Facebook and enjoy respectful and thought-provoking conversation, I also invite you to check out my "Respect" page, a place with daily prompts of questions, sometimes light-hearted, others very difficult, but in a place where everyone can be heard and acknowledged with people who value respect over all else.

Peace be the journey, y'all, and we'll keep you posted.