ONE YEAR!!!

Today is a year in the van! It's excellent! I have more to say, more to do, but this is a new day for me. Hardship is only hard if you make it that way.

Thanks to everyone who has supported me along this journey!

Sunsets in Alpenglow

I don't know if it's always called Alpenglow, but what I refer to here is usually a mountaineering term. It's when you're in the mountains early in the morning, before dawn. When the sun first starts to rise, it lights the mountains up in the most vivid of colors, usually casting a gold or red paint on the still otherwise magnificent mountain peaks. This effect is so vibrant that the first Spanish explorers in Colorado met some mountains in the morning (or evening) and named them the Sangre de Christo Mountains, which translanted means Blood of Christ. I could only imagine the awe and spectacle of these mountains which would drive the Spanish to name them that.

I've found recently very beautiful places after numerous trips west and driving east into the next day's dawn. Coincidentally, I always drive east at sunset and have continually been caught by this phenomenon, sometimes inspiring me to pull over and simply gaze at the sunset without looking towards the sun. It's like an old analogy I use to describe religion: God is the sun, but it's what we find beauty in, what the sun shines upon, that's how we believe God to exist. No two people will have the same love for God as each of our beliefs are custom made by us and for us alone. I believe this is how God should be. I believe this is how God is, universally loving, yet intimately personal for each of us.

Downtime in the Park

I picked up a second job a while back at FedEx and now work evenings there. It's become my ritual to spend some time on the phone, grab a bite, and head to work. If I have extra time, I spend it writing in my journal or reading a book at the park near the Ralston Creek Trail in Arvada. It's conveniently close to work, and it's pretty, especially now that it's closer to fall and the sun is setting sooner.

Fall is one of my favorite seasons, but life in this van has given me a new appreciation for it. Fall and Spring are the only times when I can just sit with the doors open and take in life without roasting and melting into a sweaty puddle of goo or freezing and finding my thumbs inoperable for blogging.

As my anniversary of these BattleWagon Chronicles approaches, I wonder if I'll be in here much longer. I seriously doubt I'll stop blogging, as I think this experience has been a lesson in hardship and joy simultaneously, inspiring to me and I'm sure will go on inspiring me for years to come. But it has also made me want to settle down, to enjoy and practice the things I've learned, to work hard, start a family, and have as much fun as I can, honestly and simply.

Coincidentally, in the background of my life, I've seen my family go through some pretty heavy things, and this experience has compelled me to speak out and say my peice to those around me who I care about. To paraphrase J. K. Rawling's Professor Dumbledore, it takes courage to confront your enemy, but it takes much more to confront your friends and loved ones. I feel more and more dishonest for keeping my opinions to myself these days, and I think this raw deliverance is a result of the brutal honesty I have when telling people I live in a van.

All these thoughts make me enjoy my time in the park.

Sunshine

I wake up and drive to work. The sun hits me in the face. The drive is quick, the sun is invigorating. I smile. I didn't make my bed this morning. I didn't even put it away. I slept until I knew I couldn't anymore, and then I got up and brushed my teeth, hopped up front, turned the van on, and left. Sometimes you need these mornings. Sometimes you need to just relax and appreciate how big the sun is, how small we all are.

A Sunday Afternoon/Fall is Coming

Today, after too much sleep and a late night Guitar Hero session, I sit here in my home, a 1994 GMC Safari, and I think about this past year.

I've learned many, many things living in this van. I've learned that my faith is much stronger than I had known before, that my belief in myself and my belief in some grand idea of a higher power may be more closely linked than I thought before. They are inexorably intertwined, and they kept me going and will, I hope, continue to keep me going in the worst times. Whatever your faith be, it's fluid, it adapts, it grows as you grow, and your ideas on God or whatever you call it will change to suit you as your needs change. Never in my life have I believed in something with such conviction.

I've learned a thing or two about relationships. I know that you can't fall in love with an idea. People have ideas of who they want to be with, who they think they should be with, and in the process of trying to make that work, they start to lose themselves. I discovered, conversely, that if you fall for someone who you believe you can fix or change, you're only falling for their potential, not who they are, which will ultimately end in disaster.  I also found that, no matter how much you've shared with someone, there comes a point where you have to let them go, set the baggage down, and walk away, no matter how comfortable it may feel at times. But most importantly, I've found that when you are most yourself, most real and most pure, that, when you least expect it, you will stumble into a beautiful life who accepts and loves that about you. When you stay true, honest, and loyal to yourself and only yourself, you will be rewarded with the love of one who is mostly made for you, and you will discover you are mostly made for that person. It will be truer love than you've ever known, because you are truer to yourself.

I discovered that we live in an amazing place in difficult times. While I've made this a life choice, I've met and seen others who have made this a life necessity. I can't put all the blame on our standard definition of a government, because I believe that we ARE our government, and we have done little to take responsibility for that. We are a nation with all the power, and we give it to a select few without asking questions or challenging ethics of those we've elected into office. We are a nation with all the money, and we give it to other countries because it's less expensive and more convenient. We are fortunate to have a very liberal (and not pinko-commie "liberal", but freedom and liberty "liberal") Constitution and Bill of Rights that guarantees so much and asks so little, yet we do so little and ask so much. I've learned that I need to be more involved, moreso than simply voting for the lesser of two evils in elections. I've found that true patriotism isn't blind obligation to our decision-makers, nor is it challenging everyone who is in charge, nor is it having faith in Jesus Christ as many claim our nation was founded. True patriotism is knowing who's in charge and making sure they know that it is we who are, in fact, in charge of them and telling those people what we want done.  Then we will have our nation back.

I've also learned some finer, trivial points:
1. General Motors makes a fine van, provided you can afford to fix it four times a year.
2. Canned chicken juice will make your house smell really bad when you spill it in the carpet.
3. Showering at the gym isn't so bad.
4. Pooping at Walmart is somewhat vindicating.
5. Fuel pumps cost around $600.
6. It's super handy to have empty pop and bottled water bottles around.
7. It's way easier to add blankets than it is to subtract clothes.
8. Mothers will always worry.
9. Eighteen inchess between the mattress and the ceiling will hurt your forehead in the morning when you forget.
10. When autumn shows up, you should welcome it with open arms.
11. True love only ever happens once.
12. Road trips really aren't that bad, but they're much more rewarding when you have a good friend with you.
14. Always skip the number thirteen.
15. Stickers will get you called a "dirty hippie"

I suppose the moral of the story is never be afraid to do what you want, but realize that there will be tedious labor involved in almost everthing.

Autumn is in the air. Time to enjoy it.

Redcliff Bridge

This weekend I drove about 800 miles. I saw some pretty things. The coolest thing was heading west on U.S. 24 and driving over the Redcliff bridge, just west of Camp Hale. The whole drive was gorgeous, but this bridge just kind of appeared suddenly. I drove over it and rounded a corner to find that the bridge was an arch over this huge casm in a cliff. The Eagle River flows underneath, and beautiful pine and spruce trees grow in the vicinity. It was amazing.

THOUGHTS on Intellectual Credibility

A good friend on mine posted on his blog "THOUGHTS" an interesting article about having conversations with those who are "typically" educated (typically meaning graduated from high school and went on to successfully complete at least four years in college). For a man such as he, a man who has only completed a ninth grade education, I feel compelled to comment the chip on my own shoulder, being a college drop-out and only completing one year at an institution of higher learning.

The emotions I've felt, mostly short-comings with people who have had an education, haven't arisen in everyday conversation as much as I would defensively like to think. Usually the times when I feel like I'm mostly offended, offending, scoffed at, or pitied are the times in the conversation where people start siting credentials. I've found that due to my life experience and my observance of the world, through the reading of news and participation in politics and theology among numerous other things, I can and have carried very informative conversations with people who have no formal education at all, working at the bottom of the totem pole flipping burgers and serving fries as well as those who have obtained Masters and Ph.Ds from some of the most prestigious institutions in the world.

The one thing that the most enlightening people seem to have in common is their outlook on life. The people I find most intriguing are those who have worked diligently for what they have accomplished, whether it be finishing umpteen years of school or working their way up from cutting sheetmetal and welding to hold a very rewarding position in a large and successful company. The common thread is a work ethic, something my parents have instilled in me since I was old enough to start working at all.

I don't hold a high regard a person's perception of my education and experience unless I hold theirs in high regard as well. There are a great many people in this world whom I respect, regardless of whether or not I agree with them on their positions in various things. The people that have worked hard to obtain what they have, as I feel I have, are the people whose opinions of me are the ones I will consider. The ones who haven't worked for their standing in society, the ones who stop when they see their mission accomplished, those are the people who I hesitate to accept. Those are the people who cannot understand that one must be working one's entire life for a better understanding of self, which usually translates into hard work, discipline, and honesty.

Some of the greatest teachers in this world have been the ones who have had no education whatsoever. Some of the most spectacular and informative nuggets of information I've ever heard have been from bus drivers, waiters, and children, especially children, whose worlds are almost pure thought, untainted by external opinions and pressures.

Would I consider these things in making my own judgements on one's opinion? Absolutely. Wise men have talked about the honesty and irreverence of the "uneducated" for centuries as "typical" educations seem to lead to a certain arrogance that roughly relates to the attitudes of those who obtain power without earning it, like senators and representatives and presidents in an centuries-old republic who have been given something instead of earning it.

My personal beliefs support those who have earned their perspective. It's as simple as that.

The Early Morning Start

Whether it's climbing or for work, sometimes you gotta get up at the crack of dawn or before. I am up here at 5 in the morning waiting to pick up a co-worker from the bus stop for an exciting day at work. I love work.

Essence

We get to places in our lives, destinations, where we think we've got everything. Sometimes it's a passion for someone you love or something you love to do that pushes you into believing that it's invincibly strong. Usually when we wind up in these spots of pure joy, we thank God, we do the right things, and we take it at face value. We get lost in the moment, and we feel like nothing can stop us. Instead of thanking God, and facing the joy with humility, some of us, like me, fail to respect the fragility of these things. We see them for what they are, appreciate them, and then have a stupid lapse in judgement that destroys (or does it's damnedest to destroy) everything that you stand for, that you understood about everything.

I can't say I'm a perfect person, nor would I ever want to. There's no such thing. But, in a very big way, I am one of the rare people who has found pure happiness. I have been blessed in ways few people could even begin to understand. I have found a spiritually charged love and passion that flows through me more deeply than I even knew I had the depths to behold. And when I first found it, I couldn't even express it in ways I could understand myself. It's so much bigger than me, than anything I knew about the Universe or God or anything.

Despite all of these things, despite the promise of riches eternally, I made some bad judgements that hurt me more than anyone else has ever hurt myself. I thought even though that this thing I had found was so amazing, so overwhelming, that, when tempted with something that was inexorably tied to my past, I faltered. The hardest part, for me, was even acknowledging it. After some very traumatic events in my life, I became an expert at mentally disconnecting myself from things. I can think about people who have meant more to me and are no longer in my life for whatever reason, people I loved, people I had all the hope in the future for, and now they're gone, and I can't shed a tear. I want to, and I can't.

But this is different. The compartmentalizing of this is impossible, because it was so big to begin with. It was so overwhelming, it was like water filling a water balloon that can't pop. It just slowly rips open and the water winds up consuming every aspect of your life. What people don't realize is that if you add something to that water, if you taint it, that tainted water now consumes your life, too. I'm learning this the hard way. I have a life, and it's consumed with tainted water that leaked from the water balloon of my soul which was overflowing with joy and elation.

Where I go from here is inconsequencial. If I'm lucky, I will be able to make it right, filter my water, make it a place of happiness absent of sorrow. But it is largely obvious to me that had I not tainted it in the first place, life would be peaches and cream. This is my warning. This is the essence of the moment. Don't take the things that mean the most to you for granted. Don't fail to acknowledge how much those things really mean to you.

People are loved. We have families and friends who would buy you dinner and feed you even if you couldn't care less. But what we don't have is passion, because people don't take the time to wait for it or earn it. I challenge you, the reader, to respect the passions in your life. They are strong, like spiders webs. They are simple. They are beautiful. They are home. But, they are only distructable by you as it's your passion. Have faith. Love. Don't be afraid.